I don't quite know how to put this in any way that will make sense to myself... I've poured over it for weeks and as of monday morning things have only become much more real.

A couple weeks ago I received a call from my doctor regarding a test that I had taken over a year ago... they had said that they needed me to come in to speak with them because something is wrong with it. There is a possibility of cancer; as it runs in my family...

I was thinking about it endlessly, the possibility of having it and of dying. I suppose it's easier to think of knowing when you are going to die and being able to have the time to prepare for that; rather than just having it happen. But now I've come close to both and it terrifies me.

I work an overnight stock position at Linens n' Things and I was working monday morning. My coworker and I were supposed to be resetting the shelves in one of the units. It was one of the taller ones that reached up to the ceiling. We had taken out all of the shelves and Tyler had been called off to do something else. I was leaning on my knees; filling up the bottom shelf with towels when I heard a crack. I looked up and something hit my ankles behind me. I cried out and kinda lept backwards. I landed on top of this big wooden board; like one of the shelves. I was looking up trying to figure out where it had come from when I started to experience this horrible pain in my ankles. The rest of my coworkers showed up and carried me into the staff room.
It turns out that it was the very top backboard that had come loose and fallen. One of them suspected that I had broken both of my ankles. The board had landed on them sideways like a guillitine. They weren't very tactful and sadly didn't call an ambulance. Instead Tyler carried me out to his car and drove me home where my parents took me to the hospital.

Turns out I was lucky, nothing appears to be broken and its just some massive internal bruising of the bone and surrounding tissue. If that board had hit my head; it would have killed me. It was only a few inches from doing so and that scares the hell out of me. After I had been taken to the hospital Tyler and the assisstant manager had gone back to see what had happened with the backboard. They hardly touched the shelving unit and two more boards fell out.

I don't know how to feel about any of this yet. I'm terrified that I had come so close to my life just...ending. Before it ever really had a chance to begin. and I've been thinking about the people who wouldn't have even known. I hadn't even gotten my head wrapped around cancer and I nearlly just... stopped existing.

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow or rather today regarding the tests I'd taken a year ago. I don't understand how it could have taken this long for them to tell me that something was wrong. While I'm there the doctor will likely be x-raying my ankles again; the swelling tends to hide fractures. I feel horribly apathetic at this moment in time, I feel like crying until there's nothing left in me to lose, most of all I just want to be held and feel solid and real; just to make sure I'm still here.